Chels in Progress

The first GriefShare Journal Prompt suggests pretending to write a letter to a friend to help them prepare for grief. My thoughts were scrambled, where does one even start? So I began here: Dear Friend, I'm so, so sorry you're about to be hit with grief. There's nothing I can say or do to lessen or expedite your grieving process. I'm not sure it'd be good to do so, anyhow. It hurts like hell some days, but you also get so many opportunities to remember your person and reflect, even opportunities to get to know them better; I'd hate for you to miss out on the beautiful things. Know that no one in your family or life will experience grief in exactly the same way as you. My grief is different from my dad's, my grandma's, my aunt's, my cousin's. We all loved my mom very much, but she was someone different to each of us: Mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt. No loss is greater or less, just different. Never let anyone minimize your loss, ...

I bought a tiny orchid shortly after we brought my mom home on hospice. They day we learned we could bust her out of Our Least Favorite Place (the hospital), I left in a flurry, desperately looking for sunflowers anywhere. For the first time I could remember in my time with Trader Joe's, sunflowers were out of stock, crushing my vision to fill my mom's room with sunflowers before she was discharged. I ended up with five shoddy, overpriced bunches from Home Depot. As the sunflowers began to fade, I tried to find pretty things to replace them with. Sunflowers were, annoyingly, frustratingly , still out of stock. Nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed like it was enough, as if bringing home her favorite flowers would give us extra time together or ease her pain. Even so, I brought this tiny orchid to her, because I thought she would like the pineapple-y pot. The fact that she wouldn't get to actually look at it was irrelevant. I kept the tiny orchid after my mom was gone. I ...

It's quiet in our neighborhood. The trees are rustling softly. In the distance, a wind chime comes alive. It feels as though time has been suspended. The cars outside have not shuffled spots in days. We are soaking up sun and softness, engrossed in our own little worlds. His, a planet called "Dune"; Hers, the Mines of Moria.

My heart is filled with grief and my eyes are filled to the brim with tears. It could be worse, it could be worse. While I remind myself that we've had harder days together, it doesn't stop the emotional pain from swelling up in my lungs. We had a good day together. We got outside. We went somewhere different for lunch. We took side streets back and honked at a bad driver. We watched Family Feud. Most of the food made it into her mouth. Zero bathroom accidents. You see, when someone you love is chronically sick, the grieving process isn't just a five-stage ordeal.  When you watch someone you love struggle, grief is an everyday event.  You constantly realize things that are lost.  You constantly have to set aside "how it should be" and face what is .  Relationships don't look the same.  Normal family roles shift.  You're now caring for someone who cared for you.  And sometimes that's really difficult. When expectations of who that person s...

Today was one of those days where I felt totally ill-equipped, too overwhelmed, and too afraid to deal with my circumstances. No daughter should have to figure out what it means to "flush a catheter", to change adult diapers, to pick spaghetti noodles off her mom's wheelchair, or to have to lift her mom out of a chair every time she needs to transfer. No mom wants her daughter to have to mess with her catheter, change her diaper, pick spaghetti noodles off her wheelchair, or to have to transfer her from chair to bed and bed to chair. I am resting in the reminder that God's original plan was not painful and broken; we were never meant to watch our family members fall apart. Our bladders were not meant to fail, our legs were not meant to stop working, and our memories were not meant to fade. Thank You, Lord, for allowing us to know Your heart. For creating a perfect and beautiful and pain-free world before we chose to walk away from You. For giving us good and bea...

Caspers Wilderness Park April 2016

I never thought of myself as an ungrateful person.  That's the thing about sinfulness though, it gives you a false sense of self. Jesus Calling , April 6th: "Before Satan tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden, thankfulness was as natural as breathing ." Though I hadn't considered myself an ungrateful person, I knew darn well thankfulness wasn't as frequent, nor as imperative to me as breathing. Jesus Calling , continued: "When you focus on what you don't have or on situations that displease you, your mind also becomes darkened. You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers, and countless other gifts from Me. You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until that is "fixed". " Straight to the heart. Today's devo entry could not have come to me on a more perfect day.  You see, on Wednesdays I care for my mom.  I love her, but our days together are hard.  Sometimes physically.  Mostly though, emotionally.  When s...

When we feel the weight of our shortcomings, when the mountain of responsibility in front of us seems so steep, on the days when we do not feel adequate to care for what is in front of us, this truth still stands: He doesn't call the equipped.  He equips those He calls. I am not a natural at caregiving.  I don't know many who are.  At least not when it comes to their own families. It's okay that I feel inadequate– this was never how it was supposed to be.  The brokenness around us is heavily juxtaposed against the remembrance that God had a perfect, beautiful original design for humanity. "This is not Eden.  Not even close."  - John & Stasi Eldridge, Captivating For this season, He has called me to spend one day a week with my mama.  Maybe it's a form of secondary caregiving, but I'm choosing to see it as time we get to spend together, prompted by this less-than-beautiful thing in our life called 'multiple sclerosis'.  G...

key lime Fage Greek yogurt celery + pb perfectly-timed renditions of the Lion King theme song new sheets getting stronger with Kayla Itsines' BBG hitting a new level at the bouldering gym new running shoes setting new goals the privilege to pray for others planning adventures

... I'm back! I've created many drafts in the time between my last post and this one.  I repeatedly stop short of a complete thought, and the drafts pile up. Throughout my life, I have struggled to close the gap between "dream big" and "start small".  So, in an effort to once more get the ball rolling on my writing, here is my small start. Summer Arizona My Bible My Family Tender Greens Swimming Holes Tea Shops The Smell of Soap Hikes with Coworkers Journaling <3

God will redeem all hurts for His glory. Take heart. Let go of the people who let go of you. I know, it sounds cliché.  But for real. Relationships (even friendships) are a two-way street. You don't need a professional goal/objective on your resume. Your goal is to get the job . You don't have to be given a title to become a leader. That last slice of pizza will absolutely throw your lactose intolerance over the edge. Love is a verb. Identify your weaknesses, but don't let them define you. Take an extra couple of thousand dollars out in school loans.  Work less, and get an internship at a company you admire.  You can't get internships very easily after you graduate. Knowing what you don't want to do is just as important as knowing what you want to do. Speak. Up. Ask questions. Don't half-ass something just because you're not being acknowledged. (Colossians 3:23-24 & Ephesians 6:7) Be willing to ask for help ( and to receive it ). Sometime...

As I sat in a moderately busy Starbucks, sipping my black tea and typing up a letter, I began to feel someone's attention focused in on me.  Cautiously, I looked up.  Sure enough, a lady was staring me down.  I had a table, and she was sitting on a stool against the wall, clutching her red cup and not removing her gaze.  Realizing I needed to head home, I stood up.  Before I had picked up my empty La Boulange bag, she started making her way over.  She rushed past me and immediately staked a claim on that table. I began to wonder about how the community we have cultivated.  See, I would have happily shared my table with the other lady.  We could've had a brilliant conversation, or quietly respected one another's space.   It would seem that we (as a culture) have decided it is more comfortable to be passively rude than to risk another person rejecting us or being actively rude in response.  So we throw nonverbal signs at people to influ...

I have seen God provide for my family in incredible ways over this past month.  My favorite way to describe it lately is that "His faithfulness is indisputable."  There is no denying that He has been in the middle of our difficulties, triumphed over Satan's attacks, and filled our days with grace.  We are blessed.  Not just for what He has done for us, but for the opportunities to see His character, His love, and His involvement in our lives through the trials.  His glory shines brighter than our circumstances.  There is not one thing in this season that I look at, and think, Satan sure won that one .   No.  God has used absolutely every difficult thing to draw us to Him, to share more of Himself with us, and to prove Himself faithful and graceful.  I have come to this conclusion: I will never fully understand why He allows difficult things to happen to us, except for that through whatever He allows, it is ultimately for His glory. If I...

paddleboarding in perfect weather time to pause & create friends who rally around me in the hardest times the weather cooling off a little bit overnight oatmeal working with our youth group the my roommates & the 585 house worship music my Nalgene bottle photography ♥ thank You, Lord, for these days & these gifts.

Oh to steal away from busyness, to escape paved roads; to be in the company of trees, absent of skyscrapers. Oh, that I might breathe in the smell of campfire smoke reaching up to Heaven, and see the light of thousands of stars beaming across space. Oh, to feel mountain air dance across my cheeks, and hear the steady rush of the river nearby; saturated in God's art, unaltered by man. Wild, quiet, free.

These past two weeks have been an absolute roller coaster.  I have become extra familiar with the third floor of the old building at the hospital (and pretty much every other floor).  The change in my appetite has thrown me for a loop, and my cup of grace is dwindling.  My supply of tears has somehow grown and has spilled over more times than I would have imagined possible.  Today I finally recognized some of the lies that the enemy has been trying to tell me, and I want nothing more than to renounce them.  Rather than writing the lies I've battled this week, I'm writing the truths God tells me instead. I am strong . Where I am weak, God is glorified ; my weaknesses are never in vain, Satan cannot capitalize on them if I lay them at Jesus' feet. My life doesn't have to be in perfect order before I am qualified to help people. It is okay to cry in the middle of a church service (and not everyone is looking). I am not alone. I am called out, I ...

There are times when we can't express our needs to God.  Our hearts are heavy, and we can only lift them up.  These past two weeks have been a lot of just looking up to Him, and offering my heart, burdens and all.  He has responded– greatly, faithfully. Because you are His sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." Galatians 4:6

This week has been so exhausting. Three days in, I sat alone, feeling numb.  I didn't know what to think, how to react, what to feel.  So my brain chose numbness.  As an INFJ, I don't like numbness.  Feeling is my norm.  I hated the indifference, the cloudiness.  I prayed God wouldn't harden my heart. As easy as it was to send prayer requests out to my closest friends, I found it hard to pray myself.  I didn't trust; I was so short on faith.  My heart was guarded.  I was overwhelmed by dryness of the people around me, people who didn't speak truth, who didn't pray and praise and proclaim His glory in the midst of our trial. Tonight, my numbness, mistrust, my dry spell, my lack of faith– all of it b r o k e . Oh my soul, praise the Lord.  I will exalt Thee, I will rest in You. But I will sing of You strength and will joyfully proclaim Your faithful love in the morning. For You have been a stronghold for me, a ...

When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"  Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!" "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Luke 19:37-40 NIV "But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you.  Which of all these does not know that the hand of YHWH has done this?   In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:7-10 My soul is refreshed after taking off to Utah for five days and getting away from routine, customer service, and socia...

Mama's Birthday! Praying over Cort before she walked down the aisle! A pretty sunrise before an early workday. Sweet friend time at the beach. Disneyland with my twin! Pasta sauce in the making! Dahlia season. Only the best backpack ever! Baseball on the Fourth of July. 'MURRICA! Lots of quiet time with my Great Love this week.