How It "Should" Be; How It Is

My heart is filled with grief and my eyes are filled to the brim with tears.
It could be worse, it could be worse.
While I remind myself that we've had harder days together, it doesn't stop the emotional pain from swelling up in my lungs.

We had a good day together.
We got outside.
We went somewhere different for lunch.
We took side streets back and honked at a bad driver.
We watched Family Feud.
Most of the food made it into her mouth.
Zero bathroom accidents.

You see, when someone you love is chronically sick, the grieving process isn't just a five-stage ordeal.  When you watch someone you love struggle, grief is an everyday event.  You constantly realize things that are lost.  You constantly have to set aside "how it should be" and face what is.  Relationships don't look the same.  Normal family roles shift.  You're now caring for someone who cared for you.  And sometimes that's really difficult.

When expectations of who that person should be in your life clash with who that person actually is in your life, you have a choice: cling desperately to what isn't, or embrace the little graces to be found in what is.  Amidst the pain and brokenness, the struggle and aggravation, God's grace is found.  And some days, it's harder to see.  Most days, for me anyhow, I only see it in hindsight.  That's something I'm trying to work on.

So today,
We had a good day together.
We got outside.
We went somewhere different for lunch.
We took side streets and honked at a bad driver.
We watched Family Feud.
Most of the food made it into her mouth.
Zero bathroom accidents.

Thank You, Jesus.