Dear Friend, Part One

The first GriefShare Journal Prompt suggests pretending to write a letter to a friend to help them prepare for grief.

My thoughts were scrambled, where does one even start?

So I began here:

Dear Friend,

I'm so, so sorry you're about to be hit with grief. There's nothing I can say or do to lessen or expedite your grieving process. I'm not sure it'd be good to do so, anyhow. It hurts like hell some days, but you also get so many opportunities to remember your person and reflect, even opportunities to get to know them better; I'd hate for you to miss out on the beautiful things.

Know that no one in your family or life will experience grief in exactly the same way as you. My grief is different from my dad's, my grandma's, my aunt's, my cousin's. We all loved my mom very much, but she was someone different to each of us: Mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt. No loss is greater or less, just different. Never let anyone minimize your loss, and do your best not to minimize anyone else's. It is not a competition. Inevitably, a friend (or someone in your grief group!!!) will do so. Don't punch them, and don't start a yelling match in your grief group. It is perfectly valid to be angry, but it is not okay to attack. Remember: they're hurting, too. Hurting people sometimes do stupid things. And you will too! Yay! Something to look forward to!!

You may be in a fog for awhile. There is no set lifespan of The Fog. Your mind and heart and body are trying to deal, and it's a whole lot to deal with, even if you saw it coming. You may forget to do things at work or home. That is normal, and it sucks hard. May your spouse and work team help carry you through.

Speaking of work - for some, it is best to show up and move and do things and be around people. Others need to be away for awhile to process. Personally, I wish I had taken more time off. I wish I had trusted my gut and honored my heart and not given a shit about what other people may or may not have thought. You are not weak if you take time off. If you do work, though, remember there is no one "right way" to navigate this stuff. There are some arguably crappy ways to go about it, though. Like, don't belittle people or make them feel bad for bringing up something that incidentally reminded you that your person is still dead and you're still hurting. Most likely, they didn't mean to hurt you.


Some helpful things to get you through your responsibilities: always having caffeine, a giant water bottle, chocolate, purse snacks, meals, and Tylenol at the ready. Taking 5 minutes to cry in the bathroom. Leaving work early on occasion. Napping in your car on your lunch break. Walking away when a customer is ripping you to shreds. (Do no harm, but take no shit! You've had a long day/week/month/year/decade/life!)

Grief is messy, and this letter is too. Sorry, friend. For both.

Some people will show up for you big time. They will have your back. They will show up to visit your loved one in the hospital and on hospice. They will not stop showing up after your loved one has passed. You might even have a person who will go with you to get your nails done the day after your mom dies because your brother-in-law is getting married three days later and has a rehearsal just two after and you need to feel somewhat put together or you're going to lose your shit! This friend will not judge you or question you, they will just be there. Even though they weren't really due for a mani-pedi. They'll show up anyhow, hugs at the ready. They'll show up again at your mom's celebration of life and keep freaking showing up because THEY ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And Your People aren't shook when big shit happens.


Some people will send sweet notes and/or flowers, attend the service, and disappear back to wherever they normally reside. That is okay. Do not expect the world of them. They are loving or have loved as they knew how or could. It hurts to admit to ourselves, but they have whole lives they're trying to get through, too. We are not the center of their universe!

Some people will have disappeared throughout your life, for whatever reason. But, they'll show up because your loved one has made a difference in your life, and they want to honor them and you. That may or may not be the last time that you see them. You may not even see them, you'll just discover that they were there when you flip through the guest book. Any which way, it is okay. Be thankful that they came to celebrate the life of your person, but let them go. There's a reason they aren't in your daily life.
Some people swore up and down that they'd *ALWAYS BE THERE! Hugs*hearts*pinky promises* but they bailed when it got too fucking hard for them to watch your person slowly decline. They won't show up. It hurts, you're probably going to be angry, you'll swear that YOU would have shown up for THEM, but you know what? Maybe you wouldn't have. You probably won't get to know, because your loss happened first and they disappeared to Godonlyknowswhere. It's their loss, and you need to LET THEM GO. And toss that anger while you're letting stuff go, you have bigger shit to worry about.

(Also, I'm very aware that as I am processing through all these things that I am cussing more, and I'm sorry but it's very hard to reign in a potty mouth once you get going and this past 1.5yrs has been v hard so we'll try to clean it up another day!)

Some people want to center their grief and will act as though you have a responsibility to console them. This happens a lot via Facebook and at the funeral. You do not owe Phyllis* (who hasn't bothered to show up for the past 10 years) any sort of consolation or energy. The people you need to care for: YOU, your immediate family, and the closest people to Your Person. Funerals are exhausting. You're probably running on fumes. Limit Fringe Folk time. I do not care if it hurts their feelings, maybe yours were hurt when they couldn't bother to show up for a lunch date with your loved one when they were alive. I mean, really Phyllis*!!!

*Name has been changed to protect the individual

 

It's a work in progress. It lacks eloquence and grace. I may have some unresolved anger that surfaced first. But, I also have so much more to share of how God has redeemed my hurts and restored relationships in my family and given closure for others. I'm excited to share of how Hope and Grief sit side by side in my heart, of beautiful things that have come in the midst of this time of sorrow (in a pandemic, no less).

But for now, I'm leaving this here. Part One, where I have barfed up my anger for all to see (were anyone to ever discover that this blog exists) and basically said BYEEEEE to all the folks I've spent too much energy on.

Signing off,
Chelsea Rain