Convicted, Not Condemned.

"When was the last time you were convicted, not condemned?"

I love these little prayer/coffee dates with my sweet sister.  Though I've really only known her about a month, I feel like I've known her much longer.  I know I can share my thoughts and struggles with her and not be judged, but rather shown kindness and love and be led back to the Lord's Word, and it's amazing that He put her in my life.

Yesterday, we were talking about imposing condemnation on ourselves because we lose sight of grace and begin to try to measure our worth, beauty, and fruit based on how we feel we performed.  She asked me, "when was the last time you were convicted, not condemned?" and I didn't have an answer.  The only distinct conviction I remembered was a year prior, and I knew instantly that answer should've had a more recent date stamped on it.  I began to wonder about why I wasn't feeling convicted towards anything.  Then I shoved it aside, because I already knew why: I kept talking at the Lord, reading about the Lord, but not engaging the Lord in every aspect of my life.  Only the ones I wanted Him to really intercede in.  Which is slightly funny, because at the prayer date I had with my sister before this one, we wondered how God viewed quality time, and if we constantly come to Him with our own agendas instead of quietly, patiently waiting to learn of His.

Well, tonight is my recent date.  It just took a moment of honesty on my part to clear out the junk and let the Lord's gentle voice come sail in.  My conviction?  I need to trust the Lord in His timing.  I never thought I struggled with pride, and in the last six months, the Lord has been bringing to the surface every pride issue in my life and making me acknowledge it, face it, and let Him heal it.  It is painful, because no one likes to admit to pride.  Which is a pride issue in and of itself.  But seriously, if I didn't know the Lord's character, I'd think this was a cruel game.

See, I'm reading through this book called Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, and I put myself on this stupid pedestal thinking that this book really wasn't for me.  I mean, my mom needs it more, she obviously, openly, and painfully struggles to trust God.  So in comparison to her, I'm set, I'm good to go, and this book must just be showing me how to help others trust God.  Right.  I realized that I wasn't trusting God to write my love story.  I wasn't trusting God with my future.  And my lack of trust was leaving me paralyzed in fear.  I wasn't moving an inch, because I was afraid to miss something.  Even though now I realize moving that inch could bring me closer to my future husband or the next place the Lord wants to lead me.

So now, I've been convicted to trust the Lord wholly, completely, without reservation, with every ounce of my body, with every breath of my life, with my future, my everything.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared, mainly because that means I'll be out of control and nothing will be in my timing.  But then, what a beautiful thing to praise the Lord for, because the last few times I tried to steer this ship, I set sail for shallow waters and headed toward disaster.